Andy Borowitz, "Historic Three-Way Swap"
"Historic Three-Way Swap"
by Andy Borowitz
by Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – "In a three-way swap that may be unprecedented in U.S. history, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to become Vice President of the United States, Vice President Joe Biden will become President of Afghanistan, and Afghan President Hamid Karzai will be traded to the Minnesota Vikings.
President Barack Obama made the stunning announcement at the White House today, using a PowerPoint demonstration to explain a personnel move that still left many scratching their heads. “I am confident that Hillary and Joe are up to speed and ready to go in their new jobs,” he said. “And I expect Karzai to be in shape by midseason.” When asked if the complicated swap might confuse voters in advance of the midterm elections, the President said, “I certainly hope so.”
If all goes according to plan, Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Biden will assume their new roles effective immediately, while Mr. Karzai is expected to start at wide receiver against the Arizona Cardinals on November 7.
While many in official Washington were trying to make sense of the stunning announcement, former President Bill Clinton gave the three-way sway a thumbs-up: “Everything about the phrase ‘three-way swap’ appeals to me.” Journalist Bob Woodward, who was privy to the negotiations behind the swap, portrayed Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Biden as amenable to their new jobs, with only Mr. Karzai dragging his feet: “He was concerned that a football helmet would not fit over his precious hat.” Mr. Woodward said he had more inside information about the deal, “but I’m writing about it in a new book, which will be out later this week.” Reached at the Vikings’ practice facility, Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre said he was “blown away” by the news: “I actually retired this morning, but this changes everything.”
President Barack Obama made the stunning announcement at the White House today, using a PowerPoint demonstration to explain a personnel move that still left many scratching their heads. “I am confident that Hillary and Joe are up to speed and ready to go in their new jobs,” he said. “And I expect Karzai to be in shape by midseason.” When asked if the complicated swap might confuse voters in advance of the midterm elections, the President said, “I certainly hope so.”
If all goes according to plan, Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Biden will assume their new roles effective immediately, while Mr. Karzai is expected to start at wide receiver against the Arizona Cardinals on November 7.
While many in official Washington were trying to make sense of the stunning announcement, former President Bill Clinton gave the three-way sway a thumbs-up: “Everything about the phrase ‘three-way swap’ appeals to me.” Journalist Bob Woodward, who was privy to the negotiations behind the swap, portrayed Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Biden as amenable to their new jobs, with only Mr. Karzai dragging his feet: “He was concerned that a football helmet would not fit over his precious hat.” Mr. Woodward said he had more inside information about the deal, “but I’m writing about it in a new book, which will be out later this week.” Reached at the Vikings’ practice facility, Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre said he was “blown away” by the news: “I actually retired this morning, but this changes everything.”
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