Satire: "In Confident Sign, Gingrich Changes Facebook Status to ‘In an Open Relationship’"
Newt to America: ‘Join Me. Join Me in My Marriage’
by Andy Borowitz
CHARLESTON, SC (The Borowitz Report) – "In a sign of renewed confidence, just minutes after former House Speaker Newt Gingrich romped to victory in the South Carolina primary he changed his Facebook status to “In an Open Relationship.” Mr. Gingrich made no reference to his new Facebook status during his victory speech, in which he made an emotional appeal to the American people: “I say to each and every one of you: Join me. Join me in my marriage.”
The former House Speaker used the speech to highlight the differences between himself and the current resident of the White House: “The American people have a choice: do they want a President who issues food stamps, or one who runs up a $500,000 tab at Tiffany?” Mr. Gingrich drew cheers and a standing ovation as he concluded his remarks, saying, "In closing, I am staying at the Marriott, Rm. 205. Ladies?" In yet another boost, Mr. Gingrich received this nod from former rival Herman Cain: "I am not endorsing Newt Gingrich, but I am endorsing Newt Gingrich's lifestyle."
At the White House, President Obama made only a glancing reference to the results in South Carolina, telling reporters, “I haven’t been this happy since we smoked bin Laden.” For his part, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney minimized Mr. Gingrich’s 12% margin of victory: “That’s even less than I pay in taxes.”
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