Satire: "Overjoyed Romney Celebrates Voters Hating Him Marginally Less Than Santorum"
"Overjoyed Romney Celebrates Voters Hating
Him Marginally Less Than Santorum"
Mitt: ‘Voters Want the Lesser of Two Evils, and I am Lesser’
by Andy Borowitz
BOSTON (The Borowitz Report) – "Moments after squeaking out a razor-thin victory in Super Tuesday's crucial Ohio primary, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney was in an exuberant mood, telling supporters in Boston, “I stand before you tonight as the man people hate slightly less than Rick Santorum.” Mr. Romney said that he hoped to take the momentum of being marginally less despised than Mr. Santorum all the way to the Republican convention in Tampa. “The voters of Ohio have said that they want the lesser of two evils,” he told the crowd, “and I am lesser.”
But in the Santorum camp, the former Pennsylvania senator showed no signs that he is ready to get out of the race: “In states like Oklahoma and Tennessee, voters spoke loudly and clearly that they can’t stand Mitt more than they detest me. That’s what I call a recipe for success.” Meanwhile, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich vowed to stay in the race, noting that voters in his home state of Georgia hated both Messrs. Romney and Santorum more than they loathed him. “This race isn’t about winning or losing,” he said. “This is about me standing in front of a microphone and listening to the sound of my own voice for as long as possible.” And former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin hinted that she might have a role to play if the GOP contest becomes deadlocked: “Remember, it was my historic lowering of the bar that made this Republican race possible.”
But in the Santorum camp, the former Pennsylvania senator showed no signs that he is ready to get out of the race: “In states like Oklahoma and Tennessee, voters spoke loudly and clearly that they can’t stand Mitt more than they detest me. That’s what I call a recipe for success.” Meanwhile, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich vowed to stay in the race, noting that voters in his home state of Georgia hated both Messrs. Romney and Santorum more than they loathed him. “This race isn’t about winning or losing,” he said. “This is about me standing in front of a microphone and listening to the sound of my own voice for as long as possible.” And former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin hinted that she might have a role to play if the GOP contest becomes deadlocked: “Remember, it was my historic lowering of the bar that made this Republican race possible.”
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