Satire: "A Note from Mitt Romney’s Doctor About His Memory Loss"

"A Note from Mitt Romney’s Doctor About His Memory Loss"
by Andy Borowitz

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – "Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney today released this doctor’s note from his longtime physician, Dr. Hamilton Tennace:

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been Willard Mitt Romney’s personal physician for the past thirty-two years.  In that capacity, I believe I am uniquely qualified to address the issue of whether Mr. Romney left his post at Bain Capital in 1999, as he has said he did, or in 2002, as actual facts seem to suggest. I treated Mr. Romney throughout his tenure at Bain.  During those years, I found him to be healthy, fit, and tan, but not dangerously so.  From a health standpoint, those years were uneventful for Mr. Romney, with one notable exception.

In 1999 I received an urgent call from Bain headquarters indicating that Mr. Romney had suffered a serious accident.  Once I arrived on the scene, I learned that Mr. Romney had participated in a “going away party” to celebrate the end of his tenure at Bain and that he had been hit in the forehead with an exploding champagne cork.  After he spent several days in the hospital for observation, it became clear to me that Mr. Romney was suffering from symptoms consistent with head trauma, including severe memory loss.  For example, he could not remember several key episodes from his youth, including the time he pinned a gay student to the ground and cut off his hair.

After I advised his partners at Bain that Mr. Romney’s recovery from this head trauma could be difficult and prolonged, they decided to keep him on as chief executive at Bain so that he could benefit from the company’s health coverage.  It was decided that he would take a leave of absence from his duties at Bain to do something less demanding, and so he signed on to run the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics. When his duties at the Olympics were complete, Mr. Romney submitted to a full physical at the request of his partners to Bain to see if he was finally ready to make his much-delayed exit from the firm.  He passed most of the cognitive tests with flying colors; he could remember the name of his wife and all of his sons, which in his case was an impressive feat.  Only one question made him stumble.  When I asked him what year it was, instead of 2002 he replied, “1999.”

To be candid, I did not think much of his error at the time, although I now see it as a symptom of the chronic memory loss that persisted once he became Governor of Massachusetts.  For example, after examining Gov. Romney just after his greatest legislative achievement, Massachusetts’ healthcare law, he had no memory of having any role in it.  In subsequent appointments, Mr. Romney has been unable to remember other facts one might deem important, such as where he put all his money and what file drawer contains his tax returns.

In closing, it is my medical opinion that Mr. Romney’s forgetfulness about when he departed Bain, as well as his vagueness on any number of other subjects, stem from that original head injury he suffered in 1999.  Having said that, I do not believe that Mr. Romney’s bouts of amnesia should in any way prevent him from having a full, active public life.  In running for the Presidency, they may even be an advantage."

Sincerely,

Dr. Hamilton Tennace, M.D.

- http://www.borowitzreport.com

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